Not the First Time
by ebethwest
Summary: 10.2 and Rose have tried to settle into life together, but something is blocking Rose from fully committing


Rose stiffled back a gasp. What had she done? The unspeakable is what. She had whispered the real Doctor's name in the midst of making love with John, aka "Tentoo". He pulled away from her, looking into her eyes and then suddenly he rolled over and sat on the edge of the bed. His elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. She realized what she had done and quickly moved to apologized.

"Don't." His voice was flat and dull, but it cut her all the same.

"I'm sorry." She pleaded. She moved closer to him, but he quickly stood up looking for his pants. He said nothing and she sat there trying to think of something to say. She wished life had a rewind button, or anything to just erase what just happened. She hung her head, trying not to cry. She knew that things were hard for John trying to live up to what the Doctor had been to her. Not to mention adjusting to human life. By the time she looked up, John was already walking out the bedroom door and headed down the stairs. He was leaving. She quickly grabbed her robe, tied it around her and headed out the room, almost tripping on the stairs because she was so frantic.

"John! John wait! I didn't mean-

His face snapped to look at her, " No, I know exactly what you meant!"

They were in the kitchen now and John was looking for his wallet. He needed to get out of here and fast. Rose stood by the sink, clearly upset , but he didn't care. This wasn't this first time this kind of thing had happened. The first was not one week after they had settled in together. They were making dinner and and she fed him a piece of tomato. He spit it out in the sink. A puzzled look crossed her face and she said "That's funny, he always liked tomatoes." He had ignored it, but it still didn't mean that it didn't sting. But this time was different; they had been together. Literally. And he was sure that she had finally gotten past the Doctor and was getting used to the idea of him. But in just a second all of his hopes had been shattered and now he needed to get away.

"Where are you gonna go?" Rose said.

"I don't know yet, but anywhere but here." He looked over his shoulder at Rose and saw that she was crying. Dammit. He shouldn't leave her like this, but his fury outweighed what his mind was telling him to do. "Where are the bloody keys?" He mumbled under his breath.

She held up a set of keys, "Here." She held them out to him and he moved towards her. He reached for them, but hesitated before finally snatching them out of her hand. He pushed past her and quickly walked to the front door. He knew she was following him, she'd probably follow him all the way to wherever he was going. He opened the door and took a step out before turning around to face her one last time.

"Rose can I ask you just one thing? Just one thing? What do you want from me? Because I don't know! I'm not him! I may look like him and have his memories, but we are not the same!"

"I don't want anything from you. I just wanted.."

"Yeah that's just it. You wanted him! But guess what? You can't expect me to be him! You either take me as I am or leave me because I'm not wasting my life trying to live up to someone who's not coming back!" And with that he stormed out the door and got in the car. The car that she had helped him buy not three days ago. He started it and turned the lights on, when he looked up she was standing in front of the car. Leave it to Rose to never give up. She tapped on the glass and motioned for him to roll the window down.

"At least tell me where you think you're going to go."

"I'll call you whenever I get to where I'm going. I just need some time."

"Ok. Yeah. Time, right." She wiped at her face and backed away from the car. He put the car in reverse and began to back out of the drive. He pulled into the street and drove away. He told himself not to look in the rear view, but he did and saw her standing in the driveway alone. He almost regretted leaving, but he knew he couldn't stay in that house with her while he felt like this, so he drove.

Rose tread back inside the house numb, but not from the chill of the night air. She couldn't blame John for wanting to leave, but she could blame herself for not trying to stop him. She did care for him; she did. Over the past six months she had grown very fond of him. The first few weeks she had taught him so much about human life. Like how fresh food would spoil if not used in time, or how you have to shower every day or at least every other day. She taught him how to do laundry, and she even helped him buy a car. She told herself in the beginning, from the moment she kissed him on the beach that eventually she would come to love him and she had. At the same time though, she still missed her Doctor and she knew that John would never be the Doctor that she had fallen in love with first. So why did she keep projecting her feelings for the Doctor onto John? Why couldn't she just love John for John? Even though he had the Doctor's memories and looked exactly like him, John was still his own person. He was human, he only had one heart, he would never regenerate, and he and Rose could have a life together. Someday, (hopefully) they would have children and then they would grow old together. She could never have that with the Doctor. Maybe if John would just give her a little time to adjust, like she had with him. Oh, but this was so much different than acclimating into a human society. This was the feelings of another person. She looked at her reflection in the hall mirror and told herself that she would make this right. If when he came back she would tell him that from now on she was dedicated to him and him only and this time she would mean it. She would try harder to make John feel special and not expect him to be anything like the Doctor. Yes, that is what she would do. She glanced at the clock that read 1:35. She wondered where he was and what he was doing right now. She decided that she would wait up for him until he got back. She looked around for the remote to the TV and grabbed a blanket off the back of the sofa wrapping herself in it like a caterpillar in a cocoon. Her tears streamed down her face and she couldn't help but hope that like a caterpillar she would transform herself.

John kept driving, though he didn't know where he was driving to. After 20 minutes of driving his pulse had slowed and he didn't feel angry. Ok, he still felt a little angry; angry at himself for being jealous of himself. The Doctor had Rose's heart and it wasn't fair because he already had two. As he drove on into the night his sadness overshadowed his anger and he realized that he should not have left. Oh, but yes he should've. She needed to realize that he would never be what she truly wanted. He was nice in the beginning about it. He realized that he should give her time to get used to the idea of him, but it had been months! She should have least gotten over him enough to not say his name during sex! She had no idea how that felt to hear her say because he loved her, but she halfway loved him. And he hadn't been human long, but he was human enough to know that halfway love is the worse than no love at all.

He kept driving, taking left turns and right turns, not really knowing where he was going. He supposed that he should go to a pub. That is what people in his situation usually did right? He passed a neon sign and parked. The night air whisked through his hair and he shivered, pulling his coat closer around him. He opened the door and walked through taking in the scene. He had never been inside a pub before, at least at night. He had gone out with Rose once on a double date with one of her friends and her fiancee. Then, the pub had been full of people and the tv's glowed with a football match, and men sat at the bar yelling at the tv's and each other. The pub had been exciting then and full of life, now it was dead. There was an old man that John presumed was homeless that was sleeping in a booth towards the back.

John took a seat on one of the stools at the bar and glanced at the bottles of liquor that lined the wall. He thought about Rose and how when he left, she was still standing there watching him leave. Her face was stained with tears and the look on her face said it all. She was sorry, he could tell. She hadn't meant it, and he should have never have left her. The Doctor had left her, and he wasn't the Doctor. He didn't leave.

"What'll it be man?

Startled, John looked up at the man behind the bar. The man was probably in his early 30's with a tattoo on his neck that read "Bro's before.." and then had a picture of a garden hoe. John scoffed and wondered if the man had been sober when he got the tattoo.

"Whatever's ummm…whatever's good I guess."

The man nodded and turned around reaching for a bottle of caramel colored liquid. "This should suit ya." He poured the liquid in a tiny glass and pushed it towards John. He picked it up and sipped at the top and the liquid rushed down his throat, raging like a fire. No wonder the man gave him so little. "No, no, no man! You don't sip it! What are ya some sort of pansy? No! You drink it all in one shot! That's why they're called shots!" John looked at the man and then looked back at the glass in his hand. He quickly drank all of whatever was in the glass and shook his head. "There ya go! That's how ya do it son!"

John gave the man what he hoped was a smile. Whatever he drank was still warming his insides and he felt a little more carefree about what happened with Rose.

"Was it a woman?" The man leaned across the bar and had a stupid grin on his face.

"I guess you could say that…" The man laughed and John wanted nothing more than to punch him in the mouth. How dare he be entertained by his problems and then he remembered that he was a bartender and that was their job. John quickly decided that he didn't want to be there anymore, so he threw down some money and walked out, leaving the second shot that the man had put down on the bar.

He was almost to his car when he noticed that someone was lurking around his car. "Oi! You there! What are you doing?!" He quickened his pace and finally reached the vehicle. "Hey! I said what are doing?" The man who spoke to him was the man on Earth that John ever wanted to see.

The Doctor.

"Hey me."

"What do you want?"

"John, I know."

"Know about what? Why are you even here?"

"I know about what happened with Rose. I know you two fought."

"Oh yeah? And why do you care?" He looked at the Doctor's pained face and then quickly added, "Don't answer that." He could tell that the Doctor still loved her.

"I know what you're thinking and it's not true. Yes, I care about Rose, but I care about her enough to let her go. I know about what happened tonight."

"How? Were you spying on us or something?"

The Doctor shifted his feet and looked down."That's not the point"

"I want you to know that she loves you, John. She does. She may have said my name tonight, but you have to realize that she has been trying to move on. She loves you, more than she ever loved me. I've seen it in her face. You have to giver her time, just like she gave you time."

John ignored the fact that this was not the first time the Doctor had spied on them. " I have given her time! But she still wants you!"

"Be patient, John. She's trying. You have to give her credit for that."

John couldn't believe that the Doctor was telling him these things. He couldn't believe that this Timelord was still around watching them, watching her. He kicked a rock into the street and glared at the man standing in front of him.

"John, go home to her. She's waiting for you." The Doctor looked up at him and smiled and then walked to the parking space in front of John's car. Suddenly, the TARDIS appeared.

"You parked it there!"

"Why not?" And with that, the Doctor opened the door and disappeared taking the TARDIS with him,

John hopped into the car and drove home, hoping that the streetlights wouldn't change to red. When he pulled into the drive the kitchen light was on. The Doctor was right, she was waiting for him. He unlocked the door and tried hard to be as silent as possible as he slipped off his shoes. He turned off the kitchen light because there was no one there, but as he went further into the house he heard the tv from the other room. He tread lightly to the room and there she was, asleep on the couch, curled up in a fetal position with a blanket draped over her. He leaned down and brushed her hair from her face. She stirred and blinked her eyes open.

"John…?" She mumbled.

"It's me." He kissed her forehead and laid down beside her. Half of his body was hanging off the couch and the blanket didn't reach to his feet, but he didn't care. He found the remote and turned off the telly. He closed his eyes trying to fall asleep, the liquor had made him quite sleepy even though he only had a little. Sometime later, he woke up, needing to pee, but he dared not move because Rose had locked him in with her arm. He just smiled and closed his eyes, he could hold it until morning


End file.
